How I have survived (I think) for so long - part 1

Its been a while since my last entry - I have made a pledge to myself to be a daily messenger from here on in, or at least until blogs have been superseded by some 'newer better' thing, as happens often in this world. 

I want to start talking about what I think has kept me alive this long. Some of these factors are of a spiritual/internal nature - others quite the opposite - although everything ties together.

For me, when I had to stop my career work, I was at the pinnacle of my career in A.I. involved software start-ups, and had started my dream job 3 months before I was forced onto paid medical leave because as the COO (a former wall street attorney who was so miscast in his role)put it - 'Jim we like you here - you have a job here - you will always have a job here, but you are scaring the other employees and I am putting you on 3 months paid leave - now go home.' I felt like I had just faced the firing squad. I did not trust this person and I felt like I was abandoning my dream. I had a lot of inside work that still needed doing.
To tell the rest of this story has taken a chapter in my never-ending memoir draft. What I can say is that I should have just let the job be and taken care of myself. Instead, I tried to manage the world around me (that never works) and I almost killed myself. I had faced little illnesses in the past - but this time I faced a fungal sinus infection (Aspergillis) that was 1mm away from breaking through to my brain. I survived 5 months of daily 4 hr Amphoteracin infusions - in the old days when you saw a bag or bottle of Ampho - which is a thick electric yellow fungicide that barely kills the fungus before the host - above someone's hospital bed, chances were that the next time you would see that person would be at their memorial.
Why/How did I survive? 
First - I never felt that sick - it just felt like a persistent cold - but not like death was even in the realm of possibilities. I literally told myself  - out loud - in private - every morning, that I simply wasn't dying. As much as I could, I led my life as if I didn't have a PICC line in at all times nor had to drag a pump around to hydrate me between doses - I went to restaurants, the gym - had to leave the pump at home for that, shopping, and driving. Admittedly, since the protocol requires 50-150mg a day of IV Demerol as pre and post medication, a couple of times I should not have been behind the wheel. The good news is that I made it through. Also, not giving a hoot about and judgement I received or trying to look good allowed me to be ill and heal. I learned a lot about myself then.
So, I guess if there is a lesson here, of course take what works for you, for me it goes like this. 
Act as if illness is just one of those challenges that are part and parcel of long term survival. Names tend to scare me at first blush, but trusting my feelings was my big lesson. Adhering to prescribed medical protocols is crucial.

I am going to stop here. I do want to say that I had plenty of examples of friends who would catastrophise everything and look to blame someone. Those people, most of whom are no longer with us, seemed very unhappy and looked sickly. I don't judge them - we do what we can with challenges that are as all encompassing as AIDS can be. I just tried something different and it worked and works for me.

More blowing out of my windbag tomorrow!