Day 2 as promised - uggh.

well About that Demerol thing - I am a cocaine addict - in recovery - haven't used in over 12 years - and, Yes my life completely changed for the better once I stopped using. I have been to so many treatment centers and been inundated with all sorts of recovery information, so much, in fact, that if you totalled the number of hours I spent in classroom like groups over the years, I have amassed PhD level expertise in addiction, brain chemistry, neurophysiology, disease and recovery.
At first, I didn't even know why such a big deal was being made of the whole thing - I just went to these places like 'The Meadows', Betty Ford, Brentwood AA and Beverly Hills AA and sundry other in patient places where - plus or minus 20%, they all had the same message. I didn't get sober until I stopped going to anything - including AA, because it didn't make sense to me to waste everyone's time and effort - especially mine - as long as I was still secretly fantasizing about using.
When I finally - and I mean finally was ready, it just happened. I remember in my 5th year, I was at home and looked at the clock and it said 5:30 - that was the time every day that the craving would start and I would start scheming about the when, where, and how I was going to start the routine involved in getting loaded. So, at 5:30, that day, I wasn't even thinking about it. It blew me away. I just felt normal and did normal things - wow! What a relief.

I called a couple of friends that put up with my craziness during my using and when the first one answered the phone,  I yelled 'Its fuckin 5:30 - can you believe it???' He replied 'well congratulations, you can tell time - when did that happen....what a revelation.' I then explained what I was talking about, and being a good AA Zealot, he said - ' I haven't seen you at a meeting in a while.' And so it goes. My reason for this digression is that I knew that IV Demerol was so wrong for me that I can't express how unfortunate it was that there were no other options, and that I had to get it every day for 5 months. It led to an awful and thankfully my last relapse. Now, I intellectually should forget what I am about to say, but I am not yet ready to do that - In AA and therapy groups, people will say at times 'well, nobody held you down while they injected that stuff in your veins - it was your choice.' I think you probably know where I am going with this - it was an unfortunate situation that thankfully God determined I could recover from. This was the beginning of my committed belief in God having a purpose for me and that I had work to do.

What does all of this have to do with long term survival?

It is an example of why getting sober has been essential, along with God's grace, to my continued survival. I was not a God person most of my life, in fact, I still hesitate a nanosecond before saying the word. I was raised in the empirical world of scientific proof. I had to have so many examples where if something hadn't been in my corner, I wouldn't be here. Now I think it is just part of me.

I came from a family of helpers. I was the kid in the neighborhood who, instead of getting candy on Halloween, I carried that orange cardboard coin bank and when people answered their door, I would say 'trick or treat for UNICEF'. During the last 14 years, I enjoyed the hospitality of Cedars Sinai Medical Center for over 70 of my 82 operations. I am using the word enjoyed quite loosely. For most of that time - as many of the operations involved my spine, I was legally disabled and living on SSDI.
My issues, except for a couple of comas, were physical, not mental. As I got farther and farther away from my last hit of cocaine, my mind got clearer and clearer - and as I have a pretty fertile mind, If I hadn't had volunteering, the HIV Commission, Disability Board, etc - I would not have survived. Helping others - which had the pleasant side effect of taking my self centered mind off of me for a change, is how I have found and still find purpose in life.  There is more - much much more. - tomorrow.