AIDS Comes to my house, the beginning of my 'real' journey.

Let's talk about good ol HIV today. I was thrown quite  a curve ball a while back when, after several months of ignoring the pains in my joints, it became almost impossible for me to walk. I have been an athlete since high school - everything from a college tennis player to a bodybuilding competitor in my mid and late 20s - to a mtn bike racer in my 40s - always hitting the gym and maintaining my weight along the way. Losing weight when one is not trying to can send any serious bodybuilder into a fit - if you want to try it out- just innocently mosey up to a big guy in the gym - whether you know him or not - when he is checking himself out in the walls of mirrors. Then, with the intonation of a complement, say 'Wow, you're really trimming down, it looks great.' If after his initial reaction is whatever it is passes, he starts examining himself even closer and heads to the scale for a weigh-in, you will see what I mean. I had gotten past that phase in my life, but when someone told me I looked like I was losing weight, until the last 14 years, I couldn't help thinking 'Oh no, I have AIDS wasting syndrome'. I was still 240 lbs, which may as well have been 340 lbs, but I couldn't see the lunacy that my thoughts portrayed. I went into that awful PTSD moment of being in any one of a number of my friends' hospital rooms, gazing at what was left of them just before they died and being terrified and convinced that I was next.

I wasn't expecting to see 30, now I am 58, and in my 39th year of HIV infection. So, back to when I was no longer able to walk without excruciating pain. I went to have a CT Scan with contrast at - you guessed it - good old reliable Cedars Sinai. I was in the waiting room after my scan when an older man whom I had never before seen came into the waiting room and after looking around and not finding what he was looking for, said 'did anyone see an older man with severe back problems - probably in a wheel chair, leave recently? No answer. Is there anyone here that just had a spine CT with contrast? I said - 'Uh, that would be me.'

'No, these are not your films, this person would not be able to walk at all.' he responded. Then he said 'Is there anyone here whose phone number ends in 7557? Once again I replied,
'uh, gulp that would be me.' as I felt the blood rushing to my face which became fiery hot and I started pouring sweat.
'are you okay to come with me for a minute?' He asked gently. I nodded and we went back to a consultation room. On the way, he introduced himself as the on-call radiologist, and that he was in the process of writing the report for the films.

Next, he apologized for having jumped to conclusions, and then he showed my my images. I almost fainted - he went to get me some cold juice and a cool, wet cloth to put on my forehead.

I was shocked and a bit puzzled by what I saw as there were so many things going on that I intrinsically knew were not normal, to wit he told me that what I have been told many time before, that I am not a doctor, and not to jump to conclusions. 'OKAY, I AM NOT A DOCTOR, NOR AM I BLIND, DOCTOR, I said in the most balanced voice that I could muster at that moment.

He then told me that 'this is the kind of result I might expect to find in an older person, say someone of 80 years or so, with severe osteoporosis who had taken a fall. He advised me to see my spine doctor asap and that he would post the report within the hour.

This is when I went into 'detached mode'. I compartmentalized all of my emotions like fear, sadness, anger, frustration, etc., and put them somewhere deep in my psyche. I do not recommend this approach to dealing with one's feelings, but it was what I knew and how I had always proceeded. to be continued......