In case I didn't mention it yet, I started this blog from my bedside here at Cedars Sinai Medical Center in beautiful Beverly Hills, California. I have now been here for 2 weeks shy of 4 months. Yes, FOUR MONTHS. Trust me - I have been here too long.
Some background is appropriate. In 1987 I entered a drug study at the National Institutes of Health Bethesda Maryland. I thought msyself quite fortunate to have been selected for one of the studies as admission was extremely competitive and studies were about the only game in town other than high dose AZT therapy. My study was for a combination therapy involving high dose AZT along with high dose DDC in combination. The side effects experienced by all of the study participants were daunting, but endurable - and of short (3-5 day) duration. I, however, had a unique reaction as all of my joints became swollen up and frozen solid. I was paralyzed. About two weeks after the cessation of the medications my body unfroze and I was released from the study. Unfortunately I was left with a legacy of cartilage decay and degeneration necessitating surgeries to repair most of my joints and fusion of 20 levels of my spine along wihe the insertion of supportive hardware. I am now at the tail end of the spine repairs and am dealing with the resolution of a stubborn post-op infection. Suffice it to say that enduring the control issues of certain nurses and the carelessness of others has been a challenge. Thank god for those few gems who treat their occupation as a profession - they really are life-savers. They believe that care rather than control is the reason they are here. I feel no animosity towards the study folks at NIH for my situation - they were doing the best that they could at the time. I trust that my experience saved many others from experiencing my toxicity reaction - and that was the main. reason I was there.
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AND STILL ... there have to be those brief moments when nothing more than our humanity [and not necessarily the defects thereof] bring that human factor of those brief but real "WAT IF" ... Not to be confused with the more victimizing "HOW COME" or the direct to the point "WHY ME" ... u said it, 4 months is a long time! AND STILL ... much like the dispair that certainly was saved others via the study and all it's results, your continued strong optimism and unfaltering character [not to mention a great sense of humor - even when there r other choices] IS THE LIVING EXPRESSION OF GAWD & true spirit of Love that is appreciated even by those that u are holding such appreciation for yourself. Above and beyond the "THANK GAWD ITS NOT ME" is an enduring example that has served me thru my own 24/7 daily trials. So rest in the knowledge that u are in the prayers and thots of others ... even if u have 2 walk thru many hours alone.
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